expat dating: it's all about momentum

last week, i went on a date. no, the serb and i are nowhere near breaking up. yes, i've been a little bit bad. but it wasn't cheating (in the least), it was research. so for the sake of this post, i started cruising men for a week like i was single. i started looking up and thinking about who would i be interested in under such circumstances. two days in, i saw cute, very spanish looking guy, whizzing past me in an awful hurry towards plaza catalunya. i didn't do more than look him in the eye and think, 'you're cute'. he doubled back. i spoke to him for a few minutes, and we exchanged numbers. three days later, we met up. the convo went something like this:

him: i have the feeling you're very successful with men.
me: what do you mean?
him: you know what i mean...
me: {{{{laugh}}}}
him: well, you're tall, beautiful and when i saw you . . . i should stop talking now.
me: go ahead.
him: do you know what made me stop and talk to you?
me: tell me.
him: i see pretty girls in the street all of the time, but when you looked at me, you gave me courage to stop.

maybe flowery spanish man talk, but the proof was in the pudding. he DID stop. and there we were, in a bar with old saloon decor and a guy with a clip-on tie playing show tunes on a baby grand. he turned out to be a good guy, who now knows i have a boyfriend; entrepreneurial and interesting, and y'all know how i love guys who can talk to me about european politics. but most of all, i know my dating and attraction muscles still work, which is always comforting (even in a relationship, it takes the pressure off). in the words of carrie bradshaw, 'it turns out all you need to get a date, is another date!'

this idea of building dating momentum, leads me to my second piece of advice: go out with anyone who asks.

my friend 'sparkly' got her nickname with her objection to this advice, launching into an explanation of why she couldn't go out with anyone unless she felt a spark. my eyes rolled into the back of my head. if you are single and unlucky in love (indeed, not even finding men to date), "sparks" may be short-circuiting your dating life.

bullshit. the whole 'spark' thing is bullshit. here's why: you need a spark to share a kiss with someone. to sleep with them. but to sit for an hour over coffee and conversation? you do not need to feel a spark for this. you do not need anything more than 5 euros and kick in the ass. the 5 euros i can't help you with, but a kick in the ass…

'sparks' are mechanics. they're hardwiring. some neurological connection between a biological feeling and a certain characteristic in another person created at some point in your life, without your knowledge or permission. and you never bothered to explore what that connection was made of. can you imagine? choosing a partner is one of the most important things you'll do in life and you're leaving it to some mechanic, involuntary reaction? doesn't that sound… crazy? relying on the mechanical and involuntary is cool for, like, your heart and the workings of other major organs, but when we're talking about the heart you fall in love with, well, that's not so cool. and if you don't have a history of successful dating, chances are your mechanics, those sparks chicks love to swear by, have been leading you astray. those sparks have been short circuiting your dating life.

the way around them, is to ignore them, just until your standards and dating habits reset in a more conscious way. i'm not saying have sex with everyone. and of course, please say 'no' to smack heads and gang bangers. but to everyone else, say 'yes'. one hour. a drink. a stroll. this allows you to get comfortable with dating, and you learn to assess men with consciousness and deliberation. this is not to say that 'gut' feelings shouldn't be trusted. but they are almost by definition, based on past information that may no longer even be valid or relevant. WHY BRING OLD HABITS TO YOUR NEW LIFE? why not experiment? and by experiment, i mean go out with anyone who asks.

hey, i even went out with a lesbian once. it didn't take long for her to realize i only wanted her friendship and was completely straight, but i loved her brain and her spirit. not only is she dating a boy now, she remains one of my best friends in the world. you never know who you'll meet and what impact they'll have on your life. in the end, i spent one hour talking to a guy who studied economy at the university of kiev during the fall of the freaking soviet union. and i got a free spanish lesson. and a post. and sparkly's "just dating, for the first time in [her] life!!". it's not about 'sparks'. it's about momentum.