i haven't been dateless for even one minute since '05. no matter how many people have tried to reassure me that as a black woman, or a too tall or too smart or too-whatever-woman, i was at the bottom of the dating pool. i haven't been on the bottom of anything unless i wanted to be. and yes, i meant that exactly as dirty as it sounded.
i will concede, however, that as a black woman and an expatriate, no less, we do face some challenges. what are they? how do we meet those challenges (and furthermore, how do we meet men)? there is no quick and dirty way to address the subject of expat life and dating and black women, in one fell swoop of a blog post. there are just too many elements. so i'm going to go at it one step at a time. and i apologize for the exclusionary nature of things today, but when it comes to dating, this perspective is what i know best. i've held many an impromptu dating coach session with my friends here in barcelona. the first and most memorable was last spring at a dive bar in plaza reál. my girl, fake frump girl, was not too happy with my first piece of advice:
girl, show your breasts!! okay. let me explain. i was frustrated. here we are in one of europe's night-liveliest cities, on a saturday night, and she's hiding in a shapeless black turtle neck and sexless black trousers. 'look, i know i'll get a reaction if i walk down the street in a short skirt,' she says in rebuttal. 'i know i'll have every man's head turned. but i don't want that kind of attention. that doesn't attract the type of guy i want in my life.'
i got what
marie forleo would call, 'an intuitive hit'. she wasn't scared about the type of guy she'd attract.
'okay. let me ask you this: do you think the way that you dress reflects your personality and who you are?' she looked down at her get-up. the girl is a fast talking firecracker, both in english and in spanish. frump was not in her personality. i couldn't understand why she'd be dressed in a way that had nothing to do with who she was. 'no… but when i first came to spain, i wore colorful head wraps and fitted clothing… and i was always harassed on the streets.' there it was: she was afraid of calling negative attention to her blackness.
i don't point out that back then, she
also got herself a man who eventually became her baby's daddy within days of being here. (they broke up only recently.) instead i say, 'girl, you came to spain in the 80's basically. it was a different place then. do you think it'd be as bad if you dressed like that now?' show your breasts was my crass american way of saying DO NOT DULL YOUR SHINE. so, that's expat dating rule one.
as [black] women abroad, we're very… visible. everyone has questions about where we're from, they want to touch our hair, they want to tell us about
the one black friend they had who was from angola or whatever. when we walk through the streets of, say, spain, men call out 'negrita' 'morena' or some other such reference to our skin color. we have to answer for every single stereotype or misconception about all black people that everyone has ever heard. we have to be representatives. it can be exhausting. and the attention can make us want to turn inward. be less visible, just so we don't have to deal with the drama and the constant surveillance. we dull our shine, which, when you're looking for a relationship, or just trying to date successfully, does not work. you need your sexy or no one's going to notice you.
the trick is to
know your audience. you know what the general misconceptions are about black people in your part of the world. you know whether or not blackness is associated with poverty, promiscuity, criminal activity, or even the ability to dance and sing. you know what's been heard, and what the common assumptions are, because folks confront you with it over and again. remember
this post? they constantly ask you to confirm or deny every piece of stereotypical bullshit they've ever heard. you already know what people think. now use that information. how are you going to make people see YOU when they look at you, and not every single thing they've learned about your race or place in the past? once you see the obstacle and acknowledge that it's there you can begin to chart the path around it. as far as i'm concerned, that path must begin at refusing to dull your shine. not becoming so obsessed with the idea of not being singled out that no one singles you out. not even for a date. and you remain single.
imagine being a guy. how tough approaching a girl must be. now think of how tough the cross cultural approach must be. in the course of two hours in an airport, i'm normally spoken to in about 4 different languages. imagine a guy who wants to approach you and has no idea even what language to speak to you in? can't be easy. and if you're a black woman and an expat, imagine the preconceptions/ misconceptions european men come to the encounter with. let me be clear: men rarely approach you out of the clear blue sky. they are literally drawn to you by the signals you're sending. if no one's coming, it's either because you're not sending any signals or you're sending indecipherable ones.
for the next month, try 2 experiments:
first, check what's going on with how you dress. really, what's your look saying? are you dressing to avoid bringing attention to yourself and to your blackness? NB: everyone already sees it. now dress like you. if you don't know what that is, figure it out. go through your wardrobe, try shit on. feel what makes you feel good. feel what makes you feel like you. take the time. it's important in places of meager diversity. help others through all of the cultural mistranslations to get to YOU.
second, look up. when you're walking in the street, look up and out into the world at people. try looking passersby in the eye. not ice-grilling, or being creepy about it. just quick, fleeting eye contact. notice what you're thinking and how you're feeling. notice their reactions. do they look away quickly? smile at you? can you make them do either of the two? sounds strange, and if you're shy, sounds embarrassing. but an experiment like this can help you understand what you're projecting to people, and how you may or may not be attracting what you want.
by the way, i saw fake frump girl last saturday night, rocking heels and a low cut animal print shirt, and chattering away about the brazilian she's dating. and she's GLOWING. i'm not saying that's all because of me (cuz she's pretty dope), i'm just saying...
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mastering your expat life is a weekly series about all things expat, whether you're considering moving abroad, or you already and expat and looking to master that status.
american black chick in europe is dope. her contributions to discussions i've begun on my blog have been informative and much appreciated. then she goes and gives me a kreativ blogger award!! as if i didn't love her enough!! 
